I'm Scared
by Lexlex1997
Summary: Noah accidently kisses Cody on the ear during the "Awakeathon". Both boys are terrified of the consequences and neither one will have an easy time dealing with their thoughts or emotions. Based on episode two of Total Drama Island. I do not own the characters or the show. All I own are ideas.
1. Chapter 1

He was having a lovely dream. Gwen was curled up behind him, holding him. Her arms were wrapped tightly around him. He could feel her warm, sweet breath on his ear. She nibbled on it a bit, then proceeded to kiss the spot where she had just bitten him. He let out a quiet moaning noise in response to the attention she was giving him. Then, she giggled. The giggle turned into full blown laughter. He was very confused as to why she was laughing. She stood and pointed and was joined by Duncan, Courtney, Geoff, Bridgette, and all the other campers.

"Wha. . . why are you guys laughing? What's going on? Gwen? Gwen?"

He woke with a start only to find his nightmare was still happening. All the campers were pointing at him and laughing. The only difference was that instead of it being Gwen cuddling up behind him, it was Noah, lips pressed against Cody's ear. Noah's eye were opened wide in surprise and embarrassment. Both teens stared for a second before screaming and running in different directions.

 _OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod! I can't believe that just happened!_ Cody was leaning against a tree, panting and trying to catch his breath. _I hope that what just happened doesn't hurt my chances with Gwen. Oh God! Damnit Noah!_

This was just one of the many things running through Cody's mind. Other thoughts consisted of how bad Duncan would beat him up for this, why he was next to Noah in the first place, and the fact that he had just been disqualified from the challenge. _Damn._

He slunk down, placing his back against the tree and his butt in the dirt. There was nothing for him to do now besides just sit and think. He decided to try to think up excuses for what had just happened. As he was thinking, he began to grow tired. His body and mind slowly relaxed and he began to lean further against the tree. It wasn't long before he was fast asleep against the large pine.

Noah could barely breathe. He stood panting, his hands on his knees. "Oh my God," He said out loud to himself. "Can't. . . believe I just did that." Noah's breathing started to slowly even out and he went to sit on a nearby stump. "Luckily I can just play it off as nothing. It could have been a lot worse." He looked down at his hands, then started crying. A tear slid slowly down his cheek and then dripped down onto his hands, then another tear, and another.

"Oh God, why did I do this to myself. I shouldn't have, I mean I knew better. From the moment Cody set foot on this island, it was obvious what team he played for, but I let myself want him anyways. What am I gunna do? He'll never want to even look at me again, let alone be near me."

While most only took Noah's cynicism at face value, there was something much deeper behind it. He used his sarcasm and supposed bleak outlook on everything not pertaining to his books to hide the fact that truly, he was scared, alone, depressed, and wanting someone he knew he could never have. He sighed, then decided to go back to the cabin to get some sleep. He would have to take the long way around, so as not to walk straight into the ridicule he, and sadly Cody, would most definitely receive.


	2. Chapter 2

Noah got back to the cabin with ease. No one saw him because everyone was still "eagerly" awaiting the results of the "Awakeathon". He went inside and crawled into his bunk, wrapping himself up in the covers, seemingly hiding himself from the world around him.

He wondered why he hadn't seen Cody in his own bunk when he had entered. The blue eyed boy was probably still out in the woods somewhere, or in the bathroom, one of the two. Either way, it shouldn't matter to him, it was highly unlikely Cody would ever talk to him again anyways. And to think, Cody was the one person he didn't mind putting down his book to talk to. He pretended like it was a bother, when really Cody's bright, gap toothed smile lit up the room when he smiled. Noah smiled softly at the thought of Cody's smile. Nothing, not even his books, made him happier.

But that was all ruined now. Cody would never smile at him again. He would try his best to avoid Noah because after that, if anyone saw them even talking, rumors would fly. Not that he could blame Cody. Noah himself did all he could to avoid rumors about his sexuality from spreading around. The only difference was that for Noah, the rumors would have been true.

Ever since he was a young boy, Noah knew he liked boys. He was also very intelligent, enough to know not to tell people about himself at least. He threw himself into school work and reading so he wouldn't have to be bothered by girls flirting and hinting at dating. No-one questioned why Noah was single because they all just assumed it was because he was a nerdy loner. The plan worked perfectly, he could even avoid thinking of other guys that way. That all changed with Cody. Of course there were a few guys who had caught his eye before, but he easily could forget about them and go back to his own little world. With Cody it was different. They were out in the wild with nothing to distract them except for a book or an Ipod. Noah couldn't hide behind his smarts and his school and home life out here. Before he knew it, Cody, with his loud voice and bright eyes and determined personality, had wormed his way into Noah's heart.

Noah sighed as he closed his eyes and let his head sink further into his pillow. His earlier smile had become more of a frown as he thought upon what had happened and what it would mean for him and for Cody. He knew that trying not to think about it would be futile, so he let his mind stay on the topic as he drifted to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Noah woke to hushed whispers. Owen, Trent, and Justin were talking, trying not to wake Noah. He assumed they were talking about what had happened earlier. Noah scooted closer to the edge of his bed and strained to listen.

"Do you think it's cause of what happened earlier?" Owen whispered. So Noah was right, they were talking about the accident with Cody.

"No," Trent replied. "Cody seems like too chill of a guy to just disappear because of something like that. It's not like Noah did it on purpose," Wait, what did the mean "disappear"?

"Either way, Cody should be back right now. He's super scrawny and can't even hold his own against the girls. He won't make it alone in the woods here," Justin added. Noah looked over to Cody's bunk. Just as Noah feared, they were right. Cody wasn't back yet and it was late.

"Well, we should definitely go look for him. He will most likely need help if he still isn't back yet," Trent suggested.

"Yeah, let's go," Owen finished.

"Wait, guys," Noah finally spoke up, making it known that he was awake.

"Oh, Noah. You're up," Trent spoke.

"Yeah. I wanna help look for him."

"That might not be the best idea. You don't seem too . . . self-reliant either. It might be best for you to wait here in case Cody comes back while we're out."

"Oh, okay. Sure," Noah agreed, a hint of sadness in his tone.

"Sorry buddy. We won't be gone long. We'll find him soon," And with that, they took off into the night to search for their missing bunkmate.

After a few moments, Noah got out of his bunk and threw on his shoes. He had been so tired earlier that he hadn't taken off his clothes. "Like hell I'll stay here and do nothing," Noah scoffed as he set out alone to find his secret crush.


	4. Chapter 4

Cody woke up to pitch black darkness. He was startled for a moment, wondering where he was. When he finally remembered, he cursed silently under his breath. His eyes adjusted slightly to the darkness around him, but not nearly enough for him to be able to see the way back to camp.

"Damn, how long was I out?" Cody mused to himself. "Can't believe I fell asleep out here." He decided that the best thing for him to do would be to get up and try to find somewhere a bit more sheltered, at least until morning. He stood and started walking in a slow place in whatever direction was directly in front of him.

After walking for a while, Cody thought he saw a light. He felt curious and jogged slowly ahead. When he reached the source of the light, he found a cave. "Oh thank God." It would be a great place for him to wait for a while, out of the elements. Without thinking as to what might be in the cave, he ventured inside.

The inside of the cave was very roomy, he noticed. It looked like someone or something had been in here at one point. There was a cozy looking pile of shrubbery in the back of the cave and a pile of leaves and fur in the other. Cody went and sat on the shrubbery, thinking nothing of it. He laid down on his back and stared at the cave ceiling. He sighed while he debated whether or not to nap for a while. He wasn't very tired but he also had nothing to do. He was about to make a decision when he heard a sudden noise. It sounded like a low growl. Cody quickly sat up and looked behind him. At the entrance to the cave was a very angry looking bear. "Oh no," Cody squeaked. "Um . . . look, I'm sorry for lying in your bed. I was lost and uh . . . please don't eat me!" Cody cowered and shrunk back as the bear let out a loud growl. "Oh God, I'm gunna die." The bear began to rush towards Cody when out of nowhere a rock flew and smacked the bear in the head. The bear growled and whirled around, coming face to face with Noah.

"Hey, leave him alone. He is obviously too stupid for you to waste your time on, seeing as how he's in here in the first place. I, on the other hand, am pretty smart. Why not come fight me? I even have some jerky." Noah pulled out a thing that looked like jerky and smelled slightly like meat. The bear roared at him and charged. Noah turned and ran, leading the bear off.

Cody took the opportunity to get out of there. When he left the cave, he saw the bear chasing Noah not too far from there. He watched as Noah tripped and the bear pounced, only to be smacked in the nose. The bear backed up and held his nose, whimpering. He looked utterly confused and emotionally hurt. The bear "hrumphed" and then turned, pushing Cody onto the ground as he padded indignantly back to his cave, mumbling in bear to himself.

Cody groaned as he tried to sit up. Being pushed by a bear was not fun. A hand reached out and Cody took it. It was Noah and he knew it. Their hands lingered together for just a second longer than needed, then slid apart. Noah looked down, away from Cody. Thank God the light from the cave was casting shadows over his face, or Cody would have seen the blush grazing Noah's cheeks.

"So, uh, thanks . . . for uh, saving me from that bear and all."

"I'm actually surprised it was that easy. I just used a piece of tree bark and meat scented spray that Chef has to make his inedible trash smell like real food. I didn't think smacking it would work. Bears here are wusses." Noah chuckled awkwardly.

"Oh, I was wondering where you got jerky. I didn't think real food existed here and I still haven't seen any, haha." Cody joined in the awkward laugh.

A few seconds passed in silence before Noah spoke. "So, why were you out here in the first place? I mean . . . was it because of earlier or . . ."

Cody cut him off. "No! I mean, well, not directly. You didn't do it on purpose and even if you did, it wouldn't say anything about me. There was no reason for me to just wander into the woods and die. I was just a bit . . . freaked out earlier. I had leaned against a tree to think and calm down and accidently fell asleep. Didn't wake up til maybe thirty minutes ago. I'm actually glad you found me. I would have been bear food otherwise."

"Oh, about that. I didn't mean it when I called you stupid. Sorry bout that."

"It's okay. I'm the Codester. I know I'm a genius." This time, both boys broke out in real laughter.

"We should be getting back," Noah said.

"Yeah, we should. Do you have a flash light?"

"Yeah. Would have been stupid to leave without one. I'm not Lindsey." They laughed again as Noah pulled out a flashlight and they both headed back to camp.


	5. Chapter 5

"And then Noah smacked the bear in the nose! The bear ran away like a big baby. Hahaha." Cody was talking animatedly at breakfast about how Noah had come to his rescue the night before. Duncan was exhausted and could hear him talking from the next table.

"Oh MY God. No-one cares how your butt buddy came to your God-damned rescue. It's your dumb-ass fault you were almost swallowed by something other than your queer boyfriend last night. I don't know why he didn't just finish what he started during the completion and take you right there while he was riding on the whole hero image. Knowing you, you would have let him. At least then you'd know someone liked you. So, now that we have that cleared up, can you please shut the hell up? I'm trying rest here and you being loud as hell isn't helping!"

"Uh . . . " Everyone just stared at Duncan, except for Noah and Cody that is. Cody was looking away, muttering a quiet apology under his breath. Noah's head was down, a blush on his face and his eyes looking like they were about to break forth with tears. Owen noticed.

"Hey buddy, you alright?" Owen said in a hushed voice, which was unusual for the large teen. Noah just brushed his arm over his eyes and took off outside. He didn't want to talk to anyone. What Duncan had said had struck something inside Noah, it had broken him. He couldn't handle being in that room any longer. He had to leave. He had no idea where he was running to, all he knew is that he was running. He tripped over something and fell. He just stayed on his hands and knees for a moment, crying. After about five minutes, a hand reached out to him. He took it and looked up, shock covering his face.

A knife flew from the kitchen and landed just inches from Duncan's head. Duncan jumped and shouted. "What the hell man!"

"You're lucky that all I did you little punk!" Chef Hatchet yelled. "That was the most heartless thing I've ever seen, and I'm with Chris when he plans your challenges!"

"Jesus. I didn't even say anything that bad!"

"You don't think, do you?" Chef scoffed and shook his head, turning and walking back into the kitchen.

"Come on Noah, can't have you down there for the whole show. You'll definitely get voted off like that." Chris said as he helped the teen up.

"What do you care?" Noah asked, trying to hide the hurt in his voice, even though it was obvious that he'd just been crying, by using his usual sarcastic tone. "Aren't you too busy planning ways to kill us for more views to be worrying about one tripped up camper?"

"Hey! I'm not trying to kill you, fully. I wouldn't have a show if all my contestants were dead, now would I? Also, my lawyers say that killing you would be bad for me. But that has nothing to do with right now. Chef radioed me and told me what happened. Even though it seems like I'm just a cold, non-caring host, I do actually have a heart. You okay?"

Noah couldn't help himself. He just really needed someone to talk to. So, instead of saying "yeah, I'm fine," and just brushing it off, he said, "No. I'm not. "

"Tell me about it while we walk," Chris said as he led Noah toward where he and chef stayed on the other side of the island.


	6. Chapter 6

"A lot of people don't know this about me, but I'm mostly asexual. I don't really find interest in men or women. When I do, it's very rare and doesn't last very long. I've had maybe five actual relationships in my life, none lasting more than a few months. I just like me more than anyone else."

"That explains a lot," Noah responded sarcastically to Chris' admission.

"Hey! You want my help or not?"

"Sorry."

"It wasn't easy for me as a kid. I didn't always know what I was. I didn't find girls attractive so I thought I was gay. When I didn't find guys attractive either, I was confused. I thought that maybe I should give something a try. I tried taking a girl on a date. We kissed but I was honestly kind of disgusted by it. I tried a date with a guy. Same thing happened. I stayed away from dating for a while until I was almost eighteen. I met a guy who seemed to have a lot in common with me and it actually didn't disgust me when he touched me. We spent some time together but it didn't work out. He did help me figure out what I was though, and I will always be thankful for that. Since then I dated three girls and a second guy and went on dates with a few people. Still preferred my own company to anyone else's."

"What's this got to do with me?" Noah asked, impatient.

"Well, you know what you are. You have known for a while. You're already a lot better off than I was at your age. The only problem you have that I didn't is that you are denying yourself. You know what you want but you're not going after it. Why not?"

"Because . . . because I'm scared."

"Of what? The worst that can happen? He'll say no. Duncan might bully you, but he'd do that anyways. Take the chance. I'll even cut that part out of the show if you get rejected, which is pretty big cause that would shoot the ratings up! Haha."

"Thanks," Noah said sarcastically as he glared at Chris.

"But seriously, go for it. You can't play and make a fool out of yourself on t.v. if you're all depressed."

Noah sighed. "Fine, but I'm not doing it cause the damn show, I'm doing it for me."

"Whatever, all I hear is the ratings going up now that we have a confirmed gay teen on the show."

Noah shook his head and then left Chris' trailer. He was resolved to tell Cody how he felt, and he had to do it now before he lost his nerve.


End file.
